Another self inflicted thought process brought upon by my own weary mind has led me astray this time. I feel panicked. I feel odd and yet seemingly unaffected. I don't mind where I'm working now and yet I feel like terminating my own employment suddenly. It's as if a "walk out" is the most inviting entree on a very limited menu and I'm fucking starving. The dessert of course, would be freedom.
I'm not depressed, mind you. Fuck, I don't know what I am. Maybe I never realized I wasn't happy with myself until late last year. I know for a period of roughly 3 months, I wasn't Dale. I believed I could be on my way to dying...and not the kind of death where everyone says we will ALL encounter...eventually. My days literally felt numbered and believe me, I was neither prepared for "the" light nor infinite darkness.
Besides, life is all about the "gray" areas....Who says it's not the same in death?
Maybe I live inside my head far too often. Sometimes becoming enthralled with the big picture can result in mental paralysis. I've often lived vicariously through the eyes of those I care about the most. Maybe in doing so it was masking my own sadness and insecurities and I found happiness experiencing their supposed thoughts and visions.
Maybe it was just my own crazy imagination. Assuming that what I saw through their eyes was what they themselves were seeing. Maybe they were just like me. Maybe they didn't know who they were or where they were going. Maybe they were hoping "I" could lead...
Although I've often run aground, or just had the wind sucked right out of my sails, my ship has never actually sunk...
However, all who choose to remain aboard this vessel are strongly advised to keep their sense of adventure as well as their life preservers within reach.
There are still plenty of storms and choppy waters ahead...
Thursday, May 29, 2008
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